F&%K YOU ALL! Now vote for me...and other follies from week nine of the 2015 election -- A Left Chapter round-up

This is the ninth installment of our weekly election round-up of the inane, bizarre, humorous and unusually facile in the great show that is mainstream bourgeois politics in the EPIC election of 2015.

1) Barbaric? If you want All the Right Reasons to call the hotline...just listen to the album by Nickelback!

"Hi...is this the Barbaric Cultural Practices Hotline? Great...there are these shirtless dipshits down the street sitting on their front lawn loudly playing Nickelback while drinking that disgusting swill Molson Canadian. I want to report this immediately."

Seriously though, what group of crypto-fascist nutjobs would come up with the idea of a hotline encouraging people to rat out their neighbour's "cultural practices"?

Oh wait...that would be the folks in the present Canadian government.

2) Look....he may not be real but I've seen Santa Claus and I KNOW what he looks like! (Oh...and by the way, I am also a racist idiot.)

This Santa is not...ummm...creepy at all.

 

Liberal ex-candidate Cheryl Thomas went to a mall once...and she saw Santa Claus goddamnit! She also saw Miracle on 34th Street. So she KNOWS what Santa looks like. “Santa has to be white!!! You can’t have a brown guy with a beard sneaking into your house in the middle of the night! You’d be calling the bomb squad!” she opined on Facebook.

 

She also thinks mosques are "brainwashing stations"! Unlike, you know, churches and other temples, where everyone engages in a collective critical thinking discourse. 

3) Want to win friends and influence people? Tell them all to fuck off.



Conservative candidate Deepak Obhrai has a unique way of winning voters over to his cause! You can see more of his remarkable people skills here.

4) The polls are all a giant conspiracy, people...and by the way, fuck you John Maynard Keynes!

We are all in this together...unless you are a socialist...in which case fuck you!

A former ONDP candidate and current RA President -- and now certified poll "truther" -- goes on an epic Facebook rant in which he says all the polls have been made up by Liberals and "special interest groups" (?!?) to hurt the NDP. He knows this because " I'm knocking on doors and working the phones every day, nobody has nothing to say against our candidates, our leader or our platform"...and because, you know, he doesn't want to believe the polls for a variety of other incoherent reasons.

And...while we are at it...this fella is a deep economic theorist who has interesting ideas about Greece and wants everyone to know that "Keynesian and socialist theories have been discredited. Like it or not, it's a fact" (apparently having...ummm...missed that whole 2008 thing with all those bailouts and Jack Layton and stimulus spending and all that other discredited Keynesian stuff that only saved the North American economy from total collapse) and that "The vast majority of the NDP has rejected socialism and you may kick and scream as much as you want, there's no coming back."

So...why are any leftists still in this party again?

5) Your polling station is in Paris...France.

Don't worry...at the end of this road you are 1/3 of the way there.

According to the Thompson Citizen: "When you live at the end of a highway in Northern Manitoba, you’re used to driving a long way to perform tasks that other Canadians can take for granted, but the mayor of Lynn Lake is upset that residents of that town must make a 200-kilometre round-trip journey if they wish to vote in advance polls for the Oct. 19 federal election."

Well...so what? I mean who wouldn't want to drive 2-3 hours to vote for one these parties? I am sure everyone is getting in their cars right now.

Thus ends our ninth look at the Grand Farce. See you next week!

Got any suggestions for next week's round-up...send them to theleftchapter@outlook.com or post them to our Facebook page!


See also: Could you fill me in on the 20th century and other follies from week eight of the 2015 election -- A Left Chapter round-up


See also: Somebody's watching you and other follies from week seven of the 2015 election -- A Left Chapter round-up