Sunday, May 21, 2017

Fifteen Days

Fifteen days...

Went to the wedding not sure why I was there she had told me long ago even before the loss and the ceremonies

But Hey Ya right Hey Ya

As I walked over her husband arrived

My friend maybe I suppose

We go to the Burger King and

Fourteen days...

Forgetting that I ever cared I was at the Crown and Cork but they shut the thing down and when we finished that shift Ricardo was marching across the courtyard but Steven held him back and I remember the violence and I remember the shot glasses and I remember that

Thirteen days...

Sleeping late on Sundays, the screen door banging gently but I don't want to wake up

You are snoring but it is kinda cute a gentle snore and I want to reach over and touch you

I see him arising I cannot escape him

Do you know where he came from this man now here looming over us

Twelve Days...

There is a car coming up the driveway and Cheri is in the front seat smiling

I have missed her so much so many years so many paths traveled

Fried chicken in the back yard and she is drinking a really terrible white wine

Bill comes over and kisses her ear and she lights up

It has been too long since I have seen my sister seem happy but as Bill moves away the rain starts and we have to pack it all up and rushing to carry all the plates back in I think she spilled that wine

That cheap fucking wine

Eleven Days...

At the park and they are raising the flag all these folks saluting and crying like somehow it is going to bring em back

News that night is not good and Jacob was deployed over there just a few weeks back

It is very dark in the backyard and is that him again down by the shed I can't really tell

But it seems weird here now with empty rooms and empty closets and

Ten Days...

Why can't I get these ideas out of my head these angry ideas like waiting furiously impotently at the end of the bed screaming at the bedroom TV what is the fucking use in that still I am feeling better now that I started smoking again I guess and as the cop show gunshots almost echo I wonder if maybe I should have been nicer to her you know maybe I should have tried harder but I just had so little going on then it was not a good time

Jimmy sticks his head in the door such a nice kid dad is everything ok were you yelling


Nine Days...

What is that Captain Kirk says we were younger I guess it is true we were even younger even younger once but not really now I don't think

She laughs for sure

The bar is almost empty but I don't care I really don't she is the only reason I am here

Trains passing shake the whole joint from time to time as a cover band does its best and she is trying to say something to me but I can't hear her

I can't hear her

Eight Days...

Traffic is heavy trying to get out of the city everyone is always trying to get out of the city so why the fuck do we all live and work here to begin with

Seven Days...

Do you see that truck over there and they look up at me and at it and I say your daddy helped build that and their eyes open wide in amazement they are young enough that they believe me and it is true though not anymore of course not anymore of course

Why would it be true they just do it somewhere else now with different people now

But I built that I remember that I did and that my sisters and brothers did and they really can't take it away or can they anyway the kids love it and then they see the ice cream guy by the park and they are running and laughing like only kids can the trucks don't matter anymore

Six days...

Sam is leaning back remember the strike four years ago that is what did it that is why we are done it was all the union and shut the fuck up Paul is getting so mad I don't know what difference would it have made

Hockey is on the TV

Five Days...

I see them in my mind sometimes those were good days

The dances the birthday parties even the funerals the parties the backyard drunks the boys nights out the girls nights out never went on those just would have a few beers at home with kids asleep and watching action movies on that cable channel

Nothing ever lasts though right or can it maybe don't know now Jimmy is worried because Curly got out of the yard and we haven't seen the dog this afternoon

Four Days...

The high school did Les Miserables one year it was crazy what were we all thinking it was fun and I was one of those background characters that no one notices still we went out afterwards and were fucking around in the park

That was when I first held your hand I think and that is when it all sorta began so how can I be sad about it now though I am you know I am sad it is just like so long ago that it seems it never happened if you were here you would tell me to shut up about that and stop being a shit but you're not so you can't I guess

Three Days...

I loved you so much I am sure of that

They finally closed the cinema in town a few years ago I went to the last show it was great to see it even though I had moved to the city it had been thirty years I was thinking you might show up silly right

I drove up the other day to see it all again but there is nothing there now just condominiums

Two Days...

You turned to me I am so certain that you did and you looked that last time

Why can't we feel good about anything anymore I often wonder bringing flowers to mark bad memories what else can you do one day the markers of our lost lives will be forgotten and the grave stones even will be dust and all that will remain of us will be the distant echoes right the distant impressions I guess right all that will be left will be these bright thoughts we try to keep of each other for as long as that lasts

So I went to visit you the other day and I would have brought the kids but they have all left now and I think of you a lot though that does not help much you would have liked that Jimmy got into university he is going to study sociology or something he thinks

Anyway I wrote a letter to you yesterday and mailed it to myself can't wait until it arrives it will be a surprise

One Day

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